How do we really go about finding love?
I remember asking myself if the reason I hadn’t find found the right man had to do with me really wanting to find him?
Afterall, I had a couple of failed marriages behind me. I was on a personal growth journey and using newly found concepts of the Law of Attraction in my life. I was attracting men – just not the forever one.
So, what was up with not finding the one with all this experience and newfound clarity of what I wanted vs. what I didn’t?
And, was it true that the older you get the fewer choices you have? Or that the good ones are either already married or too old, or tainted somehow?
What I discovered was – finding love had nothing to do with him but it did have everything to do with me.
Whether or not I was ready to find him? It was about understanding that who I was attracting was also in some way, a reflection of me. And was my heart ready to do it again?
My previous marriage felt like it ended on our honeymoon. Sure we had 3 years together but it still felt new and we were in love, or so we thought, or so we said. But it ended. Ugh. And it hurt. It was a decision-less like decision that had to be made. Him or her. Her as in my daughter. I chose her. That was the decision that was obvious yet extremely painful to make.
Moving on, I found I was afraid to open my heart again to finding love. My experience was that if I open my heart and form a deep bond again with a man, then I might lose him.
This is one reason why it seems so much easier to find someone who is right for us when we are younger, in our teens and early 20’s. It’s because, when we are younger, we are still untainted and without a memory of the pains of loving someone.
I now believe with finding love. or anything you really want for that matter, that if you believe you can have it and are a personal reflection of it – you’ll have it.
Which means, if you really desired finding love or a deeper relationship with a man then you’d have one. And the only thing stopping you (or me:) from having it is the story we tell ourselves about why we CAN’T have it.
Ex: Not enough men in my town, not enough good men around, I’m too intimidating to men, I’m not ready for love, love hurts, I don’t need a man, etc..
I can totally respect the unconscious things that might stop you too from attracting the right man. Love is kinda scary.
However, real as in soulful connection is not scary. Most people settle for just a surface connection because they think love is something to be afraid of – at the same time they want it. That was my case for a while.
Until I peeled back a few more layers of truth.
We will likely be hurt at some point in a relationship. I don’t mean that a man will cheat on you or abuse you, but yes it can happen. What I mean is, you will feel all sorts of emotions and it is part of the territory with being close to another human being:
– Loss
– Disappointment
– Rage
– Uncertainty
– Frustration
– Misunderstanding
The fact that a man is built almost NOTHING like us is a reason and cause enough for the emotional confusion and misunderstandings.
It’s can sometimes be harder to be friends with or be in a relationship with someone who is NOT like us. Because we trick ourselves to believe that we cannot trust them. Men can sometimes be jerks by nature and they can also be insensitive by nature – because jerk-like behavior (I don’t need you or anyone, I can do it all, I know it all) and insensitivity are actually just part of the masculine persona or masculine energy (it is naturally independent and not necessarily a bad thing).
Women can be confusing too, the very thing that causes a man’s insensitivity is the very thing that causes her to be attracted to him in the first place. Ha. Now, any good man is going to have some jerk-like behavior in him. Just as any good woman will have some drama-like behavior in her. I know this is definitely true for me. Sometimes it serves and sometimes it does not.
It still goes back to it not being about him but about you. How much do You REALLY want to find love? How much do you really notice yourself, your words and actions? What about your behaviors when it comes to finding love?
What do you DO on a daily basis that says you really want to find love? I remember wanting love but at the same time saying out loud that I don’t want to go places where there are only couples or kissy-face people. Things like that.
What if what you’re really looking for are reasons to NOT be in love?
This is much like the person who wants to lose weight too. And somewhere along the line, they realize that they are saying they want to lose weight but actually sitting on the couch eating ice cream.
This person doesn’t REALLY want to lose weight because they sabotaging any effort – if even unconsciously.
If you’re afraid of being in a relationship, you’re subconscious will find ALL sorts of reasons why NOT to be in one. Many of those are merely fabricated, made up or a regurgitation of someone else’s story.
Sure, you don’t have to trust a man you just shouldn’t trust! Like a man who actually has malicious intent and regularly dis-empowers you or tries to deliberately hurt you for his own ego. Men like that do exist. But why does it matter to YOU? It is irrelevant to YOU if you are not looking for a man like that! It’s not really about them.
If you REALLY interested in finding love with a man who is committed to you, then every single DAY you MUST practice having an open heart. This was a healing process for me.
We really MUST practice connecting with all human beings – including ourselves. I knew that deep down and I eventually chose to work on me first. To first spend time alone. Be ok with me first. Love me first. This helped to prepare me to openly connect with others and not close down the minute something threatened me by getting too close.
I realized that a big sign of avoiding being receptive to love also included JUDGING OTHERS.
For example, when judging men in general – it’s cutting off the possibilities of a deeper relationship. When judging another woman, you’re closing yourself off to more rewarding friendships. This is the scenario in various ways regardless of your mate choice.
Many of us do this at one time or another. Because it’s safer or so we think. And then we wonder – why don’t I have more girlfriends or where are all the good men?
When your heart is open – more GREAT men and GREAT people present themselves to you.
Practice having an open heart. Do everything you do from a place of believing in love. Have faith in the value that love brings. Amazing experiences will begin to unfold – within you and around you.
One thing is for sure, love makes the world go ’round. Here’s to love, darling!
P. S. If you ready to go deeper into the dynamics of relationships, you will love what I have created for you. I got myself an education on relationships. I also learned from my own experiences and from the many women I work with. My life changed because of it. I’m now living and loving life with my true love. I want this for you too.
Would you like to learn what the man you want….what his characteristics are and what he is looking for too? Would you like to crack the man code? I have created a home study love course that does this and so much more. This course will prepare your heart for love, help you not only find him but attract him to you, and even guide you to dating with more confidence. The Feminine Art of MANifesting Big Love!
Teresa Salhi
This photo was on Valentines Day the year after my beloved Riad arrived in the US. Riad and I met in the Mediterranean coastal city of Tunisia when I traveled there on my own. Nine months later, after many long distance dates on Skype, he arrived in the US. We married soon after …
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One thing I learned is that we each bring a list of expectations. We meet someone and immediately there’s a comparison to the list of what we think will make us happy. After being dumped by the fiance, I gave up on the list, and waited to see what the Universe had in store for me. One day Mr. Right walked through the door, and we’ve been together every since.
Finding love is different for everyone and while being single sucked years ago when I was single again in my 30s… dating stunk too.. but when I gave up looking, I found it… and I still didn’t get to where I needed to be, which was loving me first.
Finding love that kind of love that is true, will only find us when we can truly love ourselves and be happy with who we are and never settle 🙂
Great post!
It’s true our hearts must be open in order to welcome love in. And when we are ready, it will find us.
The older I get, the less desire I have to get involved in another romantic relationship. I guess that means I’m closed off to the possibility. But if it happens, it happens.
My journey also seems to be about self-growth and healing and although I say I want to be in a spiritual partnership, I still am on my own. I remember talking with my friend who is an intuit and a shaman and expressing how I seem to attract men who are “unavailable” on some level. He asked me where in my life I am unavailable. I do get that. I love being on my own and cannot imagine having someone around all the time. My idea of relationship has changed, as my former husband was very needy and dependent, and that is the extreme opposite of what would work for me now. I am always hopeful, yet I still don’t meet men who I am attracted too. As friends, yes. I have lots of male friends. As partners, not yet. Still open and hopeful though. Thanks for the lovely post Teresa, and it is so true, it always starts with us.
Well said, Teresa, and so very true in my experience. In my 20’s and 30’s I always asked myself the same question when I was in a relationship, “Is he worth the emotional time and effort?” And I always answered myself in the negative. The pattern stopped when I ended up with a medical condition that required surgery and a long recuperation period. That’s when I looked at myself more closely, and the real work began.
How interesting Jane..to have that realization and to even ask the question in your 20s. I trust your journey has been enlightening and rewarding for you – although it may have started in unfortunate health.
After my 28 year marriage ended I decided I didn’t want to remarry. So what I did was I kept my x on my health insurance & we stayed separated. All the men I met were professional singles. And then I did some personal growth & got in touch with creating my future. Filed the divorce & Herb dropped in. Now 17 years later, we are growing old together. He makes my life possible.
Ah, love it Roslyn. Life is one big unfolding journey that always meets us right were we are……thanks for sharing.
Great observation, Teresa. I agree that connection is important. If you judge, you separate yourself from others. Thanks for sharing this great reminder.
Yes, of course, thank you for being here Sabrina.
Beautifully said, Teresa. And oh, so very true. It always comes back to us, no? Our dreams, our failings, our hopes, our fears. When we attend to the Who deeply within, our lives begin to truly change.
I’m laughing. I’ve been so busy (and personal growth has been part of that), I haven’t even thought about a man. And then, out of the blue clear sky, one just dropped . . .
This is SO true: ” When your heart is open – more GREAT men and GREAT people present themselves to you.”
Yes, Ma’am!
Love it ….out of the blue….we know there is only deliverance of our inner self. Sounds like he dropped right into a beautiful safe place. 🙂