How do we really go about finding love?
I remember asking myself if the reason I hadn’t find found the right man had to do with me really wanting to find him?
Afterall, I had a couple of failed marriages behind me. I was on a personal growth journey and using newly found concepts of the Law of Attraction in my life. I was attracting men – just not the forever one.
So, what was up with not finding the one with all this experience and newfound clarity of what I wanted vs. what I didn’t?
And, was it true that the older you get the fewer choices you have? Or that the good ones are either already married or too old, or tainted somehow?
What I discovered was – finding love had nothing to do with him but it did have everything to do with me.
Whether or not I was ready to find him? It was about understanding that who I was attracting was also in some way, a reflection of me. And was my heart ready to do it again?
My previous marriage felt like it ended on our honeymoon. Sure we had 3 years together but it still felt new and we were in love, or so we thought, or so we said. But it ended. Ugh. And it hurt. It was a decision-less like decision that had to be made. Him or her. Her as in my daughter. I chose her. That was the decision that was obvious yet extremely painful to make.
Moving on, I found I was afraid to open my heart again to finding love. My experience was that if I open my heart and form a deep bond again with a man, then I might lose him.
This is one reason why it seems so much easier to find someone who is right for us when we are younger, in our teens and early 20’s. It’s because, when we are younger, we are still untainted and without a memory of the pains of loving someone.
I now believe with finding love. or anything you really want for that matter, that if you believe you can have it and are a personal reflection of it – you’ll have it.
Which means, if you really desired finding love or a deeper relationship with a man then you’d have one. And the only thing stopping you (or me:) from having it is the story we tell ourselves about why we CAN’T have it.
Ex: Not enough men in my town, not enough good men around, I’m too intimidating to men, I’m not ready for love, love hurts, I don’t need a man, etc..
I can totally respect the unconscious things that might stop you too from attracting the right man. Love is kinda scary.
However, real as in soulful connection is not scary. Most people settle for just a surface connection because they think love is something to be afraid of – at the same time they want it. That was my case for a while.
Until I peeled back a few more layers of truth.
We will likely be hurt at some point in a relationship. I don’t mean that a man will cheat on you or abuse you, but yes it can happen. What I mean is, you will feel all sorts of emotions and it is part of the territory with being close to another human being:
The fact that a man is built almost NOTHING like us is a reason and cause enough for the emotional confusion and misunderstandings.
It’s can sometimes be harder to be friends with or be in a relationship with someone who is NOT like us. Because we trick ourselves to believe that we cannot trust them. Men can sometimes be jerks by nature and they can also be insensitive by nature – because jerk-like behavior (I don’t need you or anyone, I can do it all, I know it all) and insensitivity are actually just part of the masculine persona or masculine energy (it is naturally independent and not necessarily a bad thing).
Women can be confusing too, the very thing that causes a man’s insensitivity is the very thing that causes her to be attracted to him in the first place. Ha. Now, any good man is going to have some jerk-like behavior in him. Just as any good woman will have some drama-like behavior in her. I know this is definitely true for me. Sometimes it serves and sometimes it does not.
It still goes back to it not being about him but about you. How much do You REALLY want to find love? How much do you really notice yourself, your words and actions? What about your behaviors when it comes to finding love?
What do you DO on a daily basis that says you really want to find love? I remember wanting love but at the same time saying out loud that I don’t want to go places where there are only couples or kissy-face people. Things like that.
What if what you’re really looking for are reasons to NOT be in love?
This is much like the person who wants to lose weight too. And somewhere along the line, they realize that they are saying they want to lose weight but actually sitting on the couch eating ice cream.
This person doesn’t REALLY want to lose weight because they sabotaging any effort – if even unconsciously.
If you’re afraid of being in a relationship, you’re subconscious will find ALL sorts of reasons why NOT to be in one. Many of those are merely fabricated, made up or a regurgitation of someone else’s story.
Sure, you don’t have to trust a man you just shouldn’t trust! Like a man who actually has malicious intent and regularly dis-empowers you or tries to deliberately hurt you for his own ego. Men like that do exist. But why does it matter to YOU? It is irrelevant to YOU if you are not looking for a man like that! It’s not really about them.
If you REALLY interested in finding love with a man who is committed to you, then every single DAY you MUST practice having an open heart. This was a healing process for me.
We really MUST practice connecting with all human beings – including ourselves. I knew that deep down and I eventually chose to work on me first. To first spend time alone. Be ok with me first. Love me first. This helped to prepare me to openly connect with others and not close down the minute something threatened me by getting too close.
I realized that a big sign of avoiding being receptive to love also included JUDGING OTHERS.
For example, when judging men in general – it’s cutting off the possibilities of a deeper relationship. When judging another woman, you’re closing yourself off to more rewarding friendships. This is the scenario in various ways regardless of your mate choice.
Many of us do this at one time or another. Because it’s safer or so we think. And then we wonder – why don’t I have more girlfriends or where are all the good men?
When your heart is open – more GREAT men and GREAT people present themselves to you.
Practice having an open heart. Do everything you do from a place of believing in love. Have faith in the value that love brings. Amazing experiences will begin to unfold – within you and around you.
One thing is for sure, love makes the world go ’round. Here’s to love, darling!
P. S. If you ready to go deeper into the dynamics of relationships, you will love what I have created for you. I got myself an education on relationships. I also learned from my own experiences and from the many women I work with. My life changed because of it. I’m now living and loving life with my true love. I want this for you too.
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This photo was on Valentines Day the year after my beloved Riad arrived in the US. Riad and I met in the Mediterranean coastal city of Tunisia when I traveled there on my own. Nine months later, after many long distance dates on Skype, he arrived in the US. We married soon after …