What Judging Others Really Means – This May Surprise You
Most of us don't realize how often we may judge others or even ourselves. We gossip about our ex's wife, our boss's new glasses, we may even snub our colleague's or neighbors parenting skills – the list continues.
A few years ago – my coach asked me to take a personal assessment on how much I judged. This was about others and it was about myself. I learned alot, including why I.
We often compare ourselves to the people around us. We often judge others in areas where we are most lacking.
When I worked in corporate several years ago, there was a time that I worried if I was cut out to manage that promotion of handling an international client portfolio and 50 employees (which was my career prior to staring my own business). On one occasion, I recall a colleague being late for a new client welcome meeting, I caught myself rolling my eyes and had no compassion to extend. Why? Well, what is discovered is …..because I was still beating myself up for flaking on a work related event, let me explain…..
What I realized later is, in these moments we may unconsciously look for ways to make ourselves feel better by telling ourselves we are at least better than that!
We may do this in our personal relationships and social relationships too.
When we become aware of when and why we judge others
we open up a very self-empowering opportunity for ourselves
Judgment kills compassion and compassion is what fuels trust and intimacy. It starts with showing compassion for ourselves. Only when we feel comfortable with our own imperfections, will we stop feeling the need to criticize others.
Let's take this one step further. We are often triggered by others when we have a common trait with them. People whom we engage in life with on a regular basis can be mirrors to us and reflecting back our own qualities traits, etc..the pretty or not so pretty. If you find yourself often triggered (annoyed, frustrated, judgmental) about someone – look at what about them triggers you. Is there something within you that is similar? This can be a huge opportunity for personal growth.
Interested to take the same challenge as I did? Heres a couple of suggestions for the next 2 weeks :
Week 1. Becoming more aware. Pay attention to what you are thinking, feeling and saying – and why. It might seem odd initially but the next time you are being l judgmental, ask yourself – What's really going on here?
(Note: judgment is not merely thinking negatively on someone or yourself but it can be something good as well. It is an opinion that you are taking note of)
I kept little sticky notes around to remind to be more aware of my judgments. No one else knew what the sticky notes meant, but I did. They just said – WHY?
Also, I kept a little notebook on my desk and when I caught myself judging I wrote it down and reflected on it later. It was extremely valuable to see and learn more about myself. I highly recommend this.
Week 2. Declare a stop judgment week. It's quite refreshing when you realize the depth of a real conversation you can have with another, when you are not judging them or yourself. This week is also implementing what you may want to course correct with your own behaviors – a little at a time – goes along way. That's what I did. It's been life changing and made me a better person. Better with others and with myself!
Teresa Salhi
Women's Success Catalyst
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This is a great post, Teresa! I love that you mentioned your process. It will help others, like me, have an example of what to look for. Thank you. I will do this challenge. =)
Thanks Sabrina and high five on wanting to do this challenge.
Terrific post. I agree that we often judge people in areas where we ourselves are lacking. When I find myself having a strong negative reaction to someone, that’s my cue to stop and look to what’s really going on with me.
That is a very conscious and empowering observation Jackie. I do the same…
Teresa – thanks! This one is really hard for me. As a nurse, when I see a young nurse not having the organizational skills or technical skills I think she should have, I’m afraid I tend to get quite judgmental. For instance, if I see a young nurse preparing a patient for surgery, and she hasn’t even asked about starting an IV, I tend to look at it in the same way I would look at a waitress who walks to my table empty-handed only to ask if I’d like more coffee. I want to shout, “THINK!” Then, I feel horrible. You’re undoubtedly right – I need a “no judgment” week!
Ah yes, I know, I understand and most of us have experienced those moments too, Joan. I hope you will find personal opportunity to look within and bring forth your own assessment on what may help in ways you may not even know just yet. Your reflection right now is so powerful.
Yea, I am guilty too.. of comparing but not in a mean way, but more of an envy/jealousy way… but yea, we don’t know what they have been through! Thanks, great challenge!
We’ve all been there at some point. The challenge helps with our awareness. Glad you like it!
Judging others is easy. Judging ourselves can be harder, because we want to believe we are better than we are. Or, it can be easier, because we believe we are less than others. Either way, we never learn to accept ourselves for being who we truly are, which is a shame for those who contineu to judge.
..yes, Joyce, and once we become aware of this…we can implement daily steps to change and grow, little by little, in a direction that better serves us…
Makes you really think doesn’t it about how often you really do judge others and sometimes when you are not aware. Thanks for the great exercises to do Teresa that will help us to realize when we do judge and how to be more aware of it when we do 🙂 Great share!
Yes of course, thank you too Joan, glad you liked it!
Thought-provoking post. I like the reminder to not judge ourselves OR others. Imagine how different the world would be if we all stopped judging.
Yes, often we think of judgment toward another but we probably do it to ourselves even more.
Wow. This article really lands with me. Reminds me
Of the verse that says “Judge not lest he be judged” I take it to heart and to mean that when we judge others we are truly just judging ourselves Nothing good comes of this Thanks for the step by step
Process to do better and be better.
You are welcome Christy, I am happy you found it helpful.
It’s amazing how random seemingly unconscious thoughts travel through our minds all the time, and how some of these are long held “judgements” we learned that we may not even believe anymore. I find I am curious about everything and like to understand people’s behavior, so do not always see it as judging, more curious. Of course we all have both conscious and unconscious thoughts at times and your tips on placing awareness on when and where these show up, is the perfect opportunity for us to transform something about ourselves that these “thoughts” mirror back to us. Thanks for the reminder, Teresa!
Absolutely, Beverley. Yes evolving with curiosity seems a natural part too. Thanks for being here.
Isn’t it just an eye opener when you become aware of how much you judge! I agree with you 1000%, Teresa! I call it the “I’m okay because you’re not” syndrome 🙂
Even though I’ve worked on this for quite a long time, it still pops up.
I’m going to take your challenge and “Declare a stop judgment week.” It’ll be interesting to see all that I learn!
Thank you for this. Great post!
Oh yes, that is a great reflection Susan! I find that we don’t have to shoot for perfection but to be willing to be our best really makes a HUGE difference.
Being judgmental isn’t a pretty trait. Listening carefully helps and even if it doesn’t, compassion is the best option. We don’t know what the other person is experiencing. This flaw is something we all need to think about losing.
So true Beth!