Have you ever experienced conversations where your words and meaning came out all wrong? Where your conversations was more hurtful than inspiring. Either the other person misunderstood what you meant or you did not effectively communicate what you meant?
Both of these scenarios can be so frustrating!
When these conversations happen, we end up feeling numb, confused and even hurt. These feelings can result for both parties as there is a huge road block in the harmonious connection that could have happened. We often end up spending more time trying to explain what we really meant which just exacerbates the situation.
Has this ever happened to you?
There are several examples of difficult converstions we could use here, but let’s use an example of one about helping someone (friend, co-worker or loved one) get past feelings of anger or disappointment.
Most of us want to help those we care about and this scenario has likely come up. Our intentions are usually from the heart but we may not be fully connected to what is going on and we even make unfortunate assumptions. Therefore, the conversation goes awry and ends up in a place far beyond where it started for where it was intended to go.
If we are giving advice to another person, we may un-intentionally be doing it in a way that makes them feel as if we don’t know or understand them or it's not even wanted. We may be suggesting they do something different to get over the situation. Perhaps our advice comes across as they handled it wrong in the first place.
We tell ourselves that we are only giving this advice because we care and understand. However, they don’t understand what we are saying or why we are saying and they either; don’t pay much attention to us or they feel personally attacked and even angered as to why we are telling them that they did something wrong. UGH.
The truth is, when we see or feel something is wrong in another, it is quite likely that it is within us. Just maybe we are the ones that have the problem that we are trying to fix in them. It’s not like we do this on purpose, we mean no harm and we truly believe we are offering valuable advice to help them.
People and situations in our life will show up as mirror reflection to who we are on the inside.
And here is a big aha...we could be projecting our own issue onto to them subconsciously so we can help fix it. We don’t actually want them to have a problem, but we want to fix what we perceive is their problem, all while not owning it as ours.
Perhaps in closer relationships we see it as our duty to help fix it, taking control and doing the right thing. This problem becomes noticeable to us because we are carrying the same inside yet not fully aware and even pushing it aside. We think we are seeing this in others when in fact; we are the ones with the real issue and we even think we are seeing them as unhappy or frustrated when it is us.
Another scenario is they may have encountered a situation that caused them to harbor these feelings and we are truly perceiving them accurately. It is these common feelings that have become our connecting fiber which brought us together. This is what is taught in the quantum physic energy called the law of attraction. Like attracts like. We are ‘vibrating’ at the same frequency and have matching energies or feelings within both of us.
At the time of the conversation, we are often not aware this is happening. It may not be until later, if at all, that we begin to contemplate and understand what really transpired.
To avoid conversations that lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings, we can practice ‘letting go’ and ’personal awareness’. When we let go of trying to have all the answers for someone else or that it is up to us to fix and make things better that we can we really begin to see the real picture. Letting go of control of another can actually help us to find our way into what we need for ourselves.
The next time a difficult conversation turns out too ugly and painful or, at the very least, confusing. Ask yourself a few questions.
- What could I have done better in that conversation?
- Was I projecting something onto them that is really what I need to look at within me?
- Did I ask them questions and listen to their answers?
- Or did I just tell them what I thought they needed?
- And, how can I learn and grow because of this situation?
With those answers you will have an opportunity to expand yourself and improve upon what is needed.
Every day we have opportunities to grow personally. We have the choice to learn from our mistakes and our successes; we have the choice to learn from everything and everyone that comes into our life. That is the way our world is designed and really the way we created it to be.
When we truly embrace this, we will have conversations that inspire and personal connections that are heartfelt and long lasting….that is what makes it all worthwhile!
Much love,
Teresa Salhi
www.EmpowerTheDream.com
This post may contain affiliate links which means I may receive a commission from purchases made through links. I will only recommend products I have used.
Hi Teresa 🙂
Awesome post! I really need to adhere to your tips for when I am having difficult conversations….thank you for sharing these excellent ways to help 🙂
You are so very welcome Joan!
There are times when people just want to be heard. They aren’t necessarily looking for an answer they just want a means to express what they are thinking. I may ask questions to clarify what they are saying but the rest is just good old listening skills. Great article.
Such a wonderful comment Joyce, it true sometimes we or they are not looking for advice but to be heard.
Nice suggestions. I am a reformed (mostly) fixer. It takes awareness and practice to let go of that role. These days I usually go for some way of just acknowledging first. Then listen.
Haha, so good Jane. Many of us have a tendency to want to fix – or at least attempt too. Thanks for being here.
It seems like this is so natural. But we are doing it for ourselves and not truly being of service. Sometimes the best thing we can do is listen.
Yes, that can be of great value and support Christy.
As a minister, the one thing about advice that I adhere to is never to give it unless directed by God. We can’t know what’s in another person’s heart, so we don’t know how they’re going to receive anything we say. I find that listening and then repeating back to them what they said is much more beneficial because they may actually have a revelation that way!
That sounds really helpful Carol.
Thanks!
I agree Teresa that every day we have opportunities to grow by the interactions we have in the world. Everyone is a mirror for each other. I find that often when we do have an objective perspective, it is easier for us to see where another person would benefit and yet that person cannot see it for themselves. This is especially true when it comes to people and their choices to do with their health. As someone who loves to help others, I know that at times people do not want any help. I’ve learned to listen, ask questions and then see if I can offer them something that might serve them. I have to say that I don’t think all the time what we see in another person is something we need to see in ourselves. It depends on if we have learned to stand back and observe, without getting emotionally involved. The best thing we can do is to ask questions and listen to the other. People really do want to be seen and heard for who they are, not for who we interpret them to be!
Listening is such a wonderful gift to share with another Beverley.
It’s so true we have opportunities to grow personally every day and we miss them when we are too busy handing out unsolicited advice. Sometimes people just need to vent and don’t want you to solve things. And sometimes, as you pointed out, you can fall into the trap of trying to solve your own issue, and not theirs. Great post.
Yes Tami, the more aware we are of ourselves the more aware we are of our impact on others and theirs on us.
I am a senior nurse at a hospital. I frequently get frustrated with rookie nurses for things that really aren’t their fault. I know I come across as a b***h, and I hate it. One little trick I try to play with myself is to pretend it’s my first day at a new job, because the truth is that I allow myself to get crabbier than i would if it were my first day and I was trying to make a good impression. But it still leaves us with the problem of how to address the situation when others really are making the same mistakes over & over (as new nurses will until they understand why another way may be better).
Did you answer you own question Joan?
There is a saying I have learned & that is , dont’ coach into no request for coaching. You may have the insight but the person you care about must ask for it.
Most people probably would not think of as coaching but the point is the same….
I totally agree! We are here to learn and other people are our teachers. They help us learn more about us if we are open to it. Thanks for sharing. Great post!
You are welcome Sabrina.
Projection is such a nasty little demon, isn’t it? And we all fall into that trap sometimes!
But you give the perfect prescription for truly doing a better job of truly being present in a conversation, and I love this one the most: “Did I ask them questions and listen to their answers?”
Nice post, Teresa!
Thank you Susan.
Lots of lessons to be learned from those conversations that go awry. Taking a step back and reflecting on how they could have gone better helps minimize the likelihood you’ll take this path the next time. However, conversations are a two-way street and analyzing someone else’s words, thoughts, and place in life is quite a task as well.
Yes, I hear you Deb. Perhaps instead of analyzing their words it would be helpful to just check in what is valuable from a non emotional perspective and take away what we can learn if any and just be real and honest about it. Without defensiveness or taking personal or over thinking it. Maybe it is not for us and they are just speaking from a limited perspective too. Communication really has many layers indeed.
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Teresa Salhi
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Teresa Salhi
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Much love,
Teresa Salhi
https://www.empowerthedream.com
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Teresa Salhi
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Teresa Salhi
Felt so hopeless looking for answers to my questions…until now.
Mikel,
Thank you for your reply. Please never feel hopeless! I promise there is always a positive solution to any troubles or concerns and if look deeper we can find new perspectives that can serve our higher good.
Much love,
Teresa Salhi
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But you did take the time to respond and for that I am grateful! Thank you for taking this time. All the best, Teresa.
And I was just wdonernig about that too!
Thank you Linda!
Teresa Salhi
https://www.empowerthedream.com
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I appreciate your comment!
Teresa Salhi
https://www.empowerthedream.com